If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
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Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.