[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
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Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Cats are still liquid.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.