My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
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Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
I WON A HAM TODAY
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.