My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
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*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room