… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
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Why I divorced her.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Venn
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”