Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
You Might Also Like
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
when nothing goes right… go left
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
I feel seen
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album