I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
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I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere