Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
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Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.