tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
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[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.