AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
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The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.