Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
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Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Who’s your best friend?
I have no passwords left in me
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Wikigenius
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
this is 10/10 content no notes
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
Lmfaoooooo
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.