If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
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Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.