When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
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My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Never be a pizza!
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo