I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
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Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*