Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
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Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
I occasionally drink every single night.
Well, shit
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.