no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
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Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
This is a bad sign
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?