Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
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Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.