The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
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I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
They got Raph!
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
my lower back watching me try to live my life
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.