Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
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What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?