the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
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Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
This line from Airplane.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?