Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
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*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?