My zodiac sign is pistachio
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Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.