You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
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Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Cha-ching is my safe word
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.