Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
You Might Also Like
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing