Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
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“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Yes
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*