Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
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I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
The French cow says MEUX…
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Liquor Store Parking
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.