My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
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REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Breaking news:
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!