When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
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The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
How is it still this week?
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.