I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
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These dogs look like they have good credit.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.