I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
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I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again