My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
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I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None