Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
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what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me