philosophical skeletons be like
You Might Also Like
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
no one likes gloating
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Good Morning.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.