My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
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My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
I am also baked goods
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.