Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
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in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.