Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
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How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!