‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
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I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
Finally! 😈
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?