I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
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Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
the world’s most popular steaming services
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there