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All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!