Start the year as you intend to continue.
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Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift