[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
You Might Also Like
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
At least my masseuse has my back.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
I like donuts.
Twitter:
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist