If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
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*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France