Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
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Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool