lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
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Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.