old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
You Might Also Like
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf