[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
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houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
as is their right
smh
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die