Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
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My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.