Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
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One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
🙄😏😂🤣
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Rich people don’t understand cereal
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade