“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
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[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”