*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
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*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
I’m not average. I’m mean.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Breaking news:
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]